10 Reasons I Won’t Be Calling You Tomorrow

I knew that I knew better. All of my girlfriends at the bridal shower told me all about some friend of a friend who met the perfect guy through that dating service. What was it called again? Matchstick.com? eHegemony? Whatever. It sucked, and I was right.

My biological clock may have been running a little fast, with Kathy’s wedding coming up and all; but there’s just no denying it – last night was a disaster. Loneliness and coming-up-on-40-and-still-single may be compelling excuses to pick up that phone, but I can think of 10 reasons not to, without even trying:

  1. What in God’s name was that cologne you were wearing? It should have been called something like Eau de Stench or Laundré Knight. If they ever manage to bottle the scent of stale cigar and raging hormones mixed with Pine Sol, I know just the guy for their ad campaign.
  2. Say hello to my little friends, Mr. Knife and Mr. Fork – Did you fast for about a week before last night? I was sure they could hear your grunts clear back in the kitchen. It was like watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom: “The hyena waited patiently for the lioness to finish her portion before descending hungrily upon the prime rib!”
  3. It would take C.S.I. Las Vegas, New York, and Miami to dust me for fingerprints. – What a leech. Were you really that turned on, or just using me for a napkin?
  4. OK, Seriously. Jackie Chan and Dolly Parton in “Hong Kong Hoedown”!? - I like to think of myself as open-minded and culturally liberal, but two hours of watching three boobs was just a tad more than I could stomach. My first clue should have been that profile pic of you in the silk robe and spurs.
  5. Ahem. Mother’s Day is in May, Fella. - Look, I love my Mom. And I love that you love your Mom. But potty-training photos? Too bad the training didn’t take, by the way.
  6. And speaking of Moms and potties, do you kiss your Mom with that mouth? – I mean, I’m no prude, but I haven’t heard language like that since my Uncle Ned, the ex-Marine, had his first Tourette’s episode.
  7. Yeah, no, I’m not “BIG into NASCAR and WWE” - I do appreciate that you are, but I still think the Dale Jr. ball cap and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin tank-top were, shall we say, not the most flattering ensemble.
  8. So you’d like to take me to watch the Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contest on FX Channel over at Hooters and treat me to lunch with that $100 gift card? - Yeah, thanks. I think I’m waxing my eyebrows that weekend. Besides, I’ve seen you eat prime rib, remember? I don’t think I could survive Buffalo wings. And I definitely wouldn’t want to be your napkin.
  9. The 2-for-1 Special at Jed’s Ink on his-and-her Kid Rock tattoos was a really lovely thought – Let’s just say I’m saving myself for his next CD.
  10. No, Homer Simpson didn’t write The Odyssey. But sure, just as soon as they make it into a movie, I’ll be happy to go see it with you.

Enough said. Don’t call me. And you can be sure, that I won’t be calling you!

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